Saturday, July 28, 2012

Voodoo and other Dieting Dilemmas

2012-06-12_1339541189I get angry when I am on a diet. I’ll tell you why. When I’m dieting:

1) Nabisco comes out with three new flavors of Oreos. WTH, Nabisco. I want to punch your face.

2) Foodland’s weekly reward is a box of Love’s doughnuts. I am canceling my Maika’i membership immediately in retaliatory disgust.

3) My kids start eating tons of crap food, so much so that Amaya actually groans when Jake pulls out a box of Mac and Cheese. I just want to dive into that Mac and Cheese so I feel like she is being the whiniest girl on the planet.

4) I am eating tons of lettuce. When I am rich I am going to go buy up the salad industry and put it in a trash can.

5) I am not cooking. It’s barely called cooking when you’re eating 300 calorie meals and weighing chicken breasts. Poor girls, they’re only 4 oz.

6) I have not lost one pound while being on this diet for 15 days, 6 hours, and 18 minutes (and doing Insanity). I hate my scale so much but I also feel completely co-dependent.

7) I hate food blogging and all the people I follow on Instagram that take pictures of their food. You people suck.

8) I hate other people eating food. Don’t eat food around me. Even if you are eating salad I will hate you.

9) Editing these pictures was torture.

10) I never have fun.

It’s true. People who eat have more fun.

When we were in Oregon (Before Dieting: B.D.), I was standing in line at Voo doo Doughnuts, experimenting with stuffed burgers, enjoying my mother’s gourmet Japanese cooking, tasting salted caramel ice cream from the Salt and Straw cart, and having lunch at the food truck pod near my dad’s office. voodoo1 I don’t care if Voo Doo Doughnuts’ actual doughnut isn’t the best there is—the toppings save them. Yes, that is a fried fritter topped with chocolate and peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yes, that is a Easy Peasy Lemon Keesey. Yes, that is an Old Dirty Bastard with Oreos. Yes, that is a maple bacon doughnut. I got a little lazy with the photos because I was trying to stuff my face in doughnut orgy. 

foodtrucksoregonPortland has a lot of good sandwiches, which is probably my favorite meal. And that sandwich in the bottom right corner is, actually, a Big A** sandwich. Fries in a sandwich. Tell me that is not the best sandwich you have ever tasted through a screen.

Except the one just on the left of that might beat it. The Schnitzelwich is the European Katsu sandwich, and I appreciate the Horseradish sauce. If I was near this food truck pod I would be in big trouble. 4thjulybbq My dad and I had a cook off of burger recipes for our July 4th BBQ. I’m not sure which I liked better, but I really like blue cheese in burgers, and American cheese on burgers is much better than cheddar, despite my preferences for real food over colored cheese gelatin. Real pineapple beats out canned pineapple, though.

I’m really lucky my family likes food as much as I do. We even took the kids to two fancy restaurants and ate pork belly dishes at both places. I was much too busy eating to take pictures, so you’ll have to settle for my Instagram (yes! I hate myself!). pdxfood Mom wanted to try this watermelon popsicles recipe she got off a food blog. It was super cute. I would like to try to make more of a sherbet style one. Lime sherbet, by the way, is highly underrated. watermelonpops1 Jake and I also ate all through our anniversary, and hiked to a few waterfalls in between. anniversary11OregonTrip046  I have been married to this man for 11 years. I really don’t get tired of him at all, which is the wonder of being married to someone this awesome. He’s been good about picking up the slack since being on a diet makes me completely lazy and pissy. Kind of like what I would be like if I actually had PMS.

Amaya said a couple of days ago, “I want some chocolate, because I’m on a diet. That’s what you eat when you’re on a diet.”

I looked at Jake with my most evil stare and said, “Not. One. Word.”



Katie Lewis said...

Amen to everything. I have been counting calories and running and cycling and walking and... nada. I lose a few pounds, I gain them right back. And I am so with you on salad. Every now and then I enjoy a good salad, but most of the time they are downright terrible. And if they're not terrible they're fatty. Boo. Stupid lettuce. Anyway, may we both have better luck soon. (And I'll try to stop taking pictures of doughnuts on Instagram.)

Stephanie said...

Damn you Mariko I just ate a healthy dinner and now it's all I can do to not race over to Foodland and buy up a bunch of crapto pile on a maple donut from their bakery. Damn you. hahahaha

I'm sorry, that was rude... but judging from this post I think you understand.

Actually you've been on my mind lately with your dieting woes and I think there are things you could still have a lot of fun with and get all foodie-crazy about as you are want to do. Let's talk soon.

PS- I may as well answer your AWESOME email here while I'm at it. THANKS SO SO MUCH for taking the time to make those recommendations. I now want to try them all. It looks like we will be there for lunch though and the Japanese sounds the best to me although they all sound the best. I will see what T-Rob wants. Ok, life is about to get busier for you with school starting, but I want to pull up a chair on your porch one day and maybe for once give you a little food advice. I have actually been having fun with a few diet dishes. It is all really, painfully simple though so maybe it's not what you would be interested in but still.

shar said...

DIETS .....are evil :O)

But the joy of ending one is priceless ...and the vicious cyle begins !

Maybe a voodoo doll might help, one big pin right in the tum tum area...hmmmmm haha

Hope your frist day at school was a good one


Kim Etol said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nippon Nin said...

Ahhh I miss you guys. I'm reading Japanese self -help book right now. The book cover anywhere from attitude to diet to looking young. I already lost an inch from my waist (not loosing any weight though)in 2 weeks! I need to loose 5 inches to fit size 2!

chow and chatter said...

this post made me smile :-) hugs

FootPrints said...

This is the most hilarious post ever. And the exact reason I don't diet. That and I could never live without rice.
Maybe you should start your moms diet.
Or better yet I like Amaya's diet rules.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. You can do it.

Lawyer Loves Lunch said...

Heheh, this post made me giggle! Glad you're hanging in there!

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